I am going to heal my endometriosis and have a child. I have previously had a womb massage, but now I’m seriously getting into it. I am going to have a yoni steam and fertility massage. For those of you who don’t know, ‘yoni’ is a Sanskrit word that means ‘womb, and ‘source’ representing the female organs. I have endometriosis and with it comes a plethora of hormonal imbalances, systemic inflammation, pain and emotional irregularity that disrupts my life.

I am on a mission to shift from this person who feels stuck inside her damaged body, and neurodiverse mind and into more of who I really am. Incredible, powerful, bright, feminine, inspirational. I am therefore trying lots of alternative medicine, somatic healings, fertility massages, taking on new habits and routines, and ultimately just shifting my life to a more positive, conscious experience.

A few months ago, I had a womb massage (read about that here), this was an absolutely incredible experience that shifted so many emotions. I had tangible physical results and it made a big difference in how I felt about my body as a woman.

I have been following the masseuse Leilani on Instagram since, as she shares interesting information about connecting to your feminine energy. Not long ago, a deal popped up for more services like this fertility massage and other extras like a yoni steam and sacred cocoa. I have vaguely heard of a yoni steaming before, but I didn’t know much more than you steamed your vagina with herb infused water.

Preparing My Body for My Mirena Removal

It felt like it had been long enough since my last session, and I was getting my Mirena out in a few weeks, so it would be a great idea to do this fertility massage before I went through that big change. I thought another womb fertility massage, and whatever this steam entailed would be good to let my body know it was loved and supported on this journey.

I wanted to connect with my womb, let it know it is going to be invaded, but also let it know that this invasion is so that it can it can balanced, be heard, and hopefully support a growing child. So, off I went across town to Leilani’s house.

Setting Intentions for This to Be a Fertility Massage

Leilani practices out of a beautiful room, that isn’t so different to how I would imagine the inside of a womb would feel like energetically. It is painted in deep oranges, adorned with warm tapestries. There are pictures of Celtic women, pregnant women, strong women, naked women. There are sculptures and crystals and herbs that all make you feel like you have been wrapped up in a warm woven blanket full of generations of grandmothers’ knowledge.

I sit down and Leilani makes me a cup of herbal tea, unfortunately I talk too much and let it go cold, but it is still nice and grounding. We sit, and we chat. I think part of this is for her to find the direction the massage needs to take. The other part is likely to allow her patients to offload everything in their head so they can properly get into their bodies before the fertility massage.

Fertility Fears

I talk mostly about how I want a child, but that I also strongly fear it.

I know I will have children. I say I know because I believe we have a life path, a destiny of sorts, and although we always have free choice once we are on this earth, ultimately, I plan to respect the plan.

I believe that whatever my soul decided it wanted to experience prior to this lifetime, will likely be a lot wiser than whatever ‘free choice’ I decide to make whilst down here in my conscious mind and body. Whatever you believe though, it doesn’t matter. I just know I will have children.

I am so scared though. I feel shame, and guilt, for not being excited, for not looking forward to it more. It is not that I think I will not be good at it. On the contrary, I believe that with my education around children, learning, psychology, and also my reflective and curious nature – I will be a lovely mum.

I fear mainly three things

1. Neurodiverse Motherhood

I am neurodiverse and I am scared that my inability to regulate well with external stimulus will overwhelm me and I will require too much time and energy to not negatively impact those around me. I don’t want it to hurt either myself or others.

Seeing as I already hear everything on 100, from the background music at a restaurant, to the conversation in front of me, to the child smashing their utensils a few tables away, life is loud – and so are children. Having my own, in my beautifully quiet home, I fear that will be too much stimulation.

The other fear around being a neurodiverse mum, is surrounding my inability to plan ahead or do logistics. For example, working out how to map my day so I can get to the shops on the way to my child’s football game, whilst also remembering to pack dinner because we won’t be home in time, is daunting. But I do feel I don’t have to worry quite so much about that as I have a highly competent husband who is capable and loving enough to significantly take this load.

2. Getting Pregnant

I am scared of getting pregnant. Getting pregnant means going off birth control. Going off birth control means that all of my endometriosis symptoms may pop back up. Last time I was without any, I was 22 sleeping in my mum’s bed because I was suicidal. I had a face covered in perioral dermatitis that felt like I had been burnt in a fire. I bled too much, vomited at the smell of food cooking and was hospitalised for significant pain twice a month.

I do believe that I have come along way since then. I have done a lot of healing, my body has changed, my hormones hopefully shifted, and I have more understanding of what things to do to manage my symptoms and mental state.

But I am still terrified of the psychotic feelings I have from imbalanced hormones. It is like being entirely incapable of controlling your crazy, despite knowing cognitively you are behaving crazy, but then getting frustrated at your own crazy. It’s like being possessed, and I would take crippling pain over that feeling of incontrollable emotions any day.

3. I Just Got Settled

I only just got to a point where I feel settled, happy, and content with myself. I’ve only just sorted myself out – and that is so exciting! And a child is certainly going to result in me needing to work myself out all over again. Yes, I understand, that everything I have become will allow me to work that out faster, more effectively, that it doesn’t mean my whole life will change – but do you know what will? My brain synapsis.

The very thing I’ve been working on shifting from negative wiring to positive, will be rewired, pruned and electrified. Apparently, your brain entirely restructures when you have a child, like your frontal lobe where you are logical and reasonable (which I am not at the best of times) shrinks, so you can be more emotionally connected to your child.

The last thing I need is less logic and more emotion. I already have aphasia where I forget words, I don’t want ‘baby brain’ on top of that. Anyway, I am going to focus really hard on anything and everything I can do to minimise the impact a child may have on the progress I have made within myself. But realistically – you don’t know until you’ve done it, and there’s no turning back once you have.

Maybe I will like this new wiring system, I may be pleased with the current one, but I have only adjusted it with duct-tape and super-glue. Maybe it will re-wire in the most incredible healing way. I just don’t want to lose me, because I know I will love that child more than anything else in the world, but I don’t want to stop loving myself, because that is really important for my growth.

Releasing Shame Even Before the Fertility Massage

After telling Leilani how I needed to get to grips with getting my Mirena removed, my fears around conceiving a child with all the potentially chaotic hormones, the carrying it, the growing it, then the actual having it with all the stimulus it will create; I realised I felt shame. My fertility massage hadn’t even begun yet and I was already releasing shame.

I felt undeserving of a child because I didn’t want it like they want it in the movies. Only to then realise that Hollywood is just another way that women are put down and told how to feel in this world.

It is totally okay not to jump up and down with excitement, it is okay not to throw up once and then have a pretty montage of living a regular life as your belly grows. life isn’t some slow scene where you’re painting the nursery in cute overalls eight months in, and then happen to be wearing makeup when you go into labour which takes a total of three minutes. I may want a child, but I don’t need to feel a particular way about it, so long as one of the feelings I have is love – that is okay.

What You Need to Know About a Yoni Steaming

After this realisation, and assurance from Leilani to follow my own path – she explains the Yoni steaming. It is an ancient tradition that allows the properties from various herbs to infuse up and into the female reproductive organs as you sit over a pot of boiling infused herb water. She had a beautiful wooden box made with a slit in it to allow the steam to come into your vagina and to keep you far enough away from the steam it wouldn’t burn. The yoni steam in conjunction with the fertility massage allowed not only for the energies to be released but then to be further moved and shifted.

Leilani explained it is absolutely not appropriate to do whilst trying to conceive because it is like a cleanse that removes old stagnant energy and can be used to bring on periods. It was also used (assumably with applicable herbs) as an abortion or to bring on labour. I found it thoroughly appropriate to use right before my Mirena removal because, well, that’s what I wanted out of my uterus. Preparing my body for this removal was the whole point of this fertility massage.

Reading My Oracle Cards

Whilst she got the herbs ready, she suggested I choose some cards from one of the oracle decks she had next to her couch. One deck instantly grabbed my attention, it was called The Herbal Astrology Oracle Guidebook by Adriana Ayales. I found it interesting as I was about to work with herbs for the first time. Then, out of all these decks of Fairies and magic, I choose the one about herbs. I pull three beautiful cards with the intention of symbolising my past, present and future:

The first card I see is Damiana sat on the bottom of the pile, I am taken with it, but I haven’t even shuffled yet, so put my intentions on what my womb needs to say to me, and shuffle the deck.

My First Card – Damiana

Damiana – the beloved – Turnera diffusa. Shuffled and yet still it came back to me. This herb was used throughout the Americas as an aphrodisiac (ironic when I am looking into getting pregnant). It is also used to treat menstrual irregularities, cramps and constipation as well as many more ailments. It is linked to Venus which works on the “…metamorphosis of cells, their reproduction, enrichment, and transformation – as well as the preservation of the body, the reproductive system, and the harmony between all systems of the body.” (p. 39). It represents ‘the beloved’ most significantly within the relationship within ourselves and “… represents the journey of coming together and reuniting with oneself…” (p. 39). It provides more guidance around taking time for yourself to look after your creative centre, which I find interesting as the place of all creativity is the womb.

Wow! So far, spot on. Those were exactly the things I have been plagued with recently. The hormonal issues, the need for metamorphosis to make my womb a home, and to reconnect with my creativity, to my femininity.

The Second Card – Calendula

Calendula – purity – Calendula officinalis. A herb that Leilani is putting in my steaming blend as I read. I can’t remember which way around this card was (I know that is important – but I feel like it may have been upside down) which indicates an “…inability to access manifestation, resistance to new beginnings.” (p. 16). This felt like exactly where I was. Guess what this herb was for? Inducing menstrual flow and as an anti-inflammatory! What was I preparing my body for? It’s first period in like seven years. And what was endometriosis? An inflammatory disease.

The guidance given with this card was “Don’t allow pain from the past disable your ability to dream new life. Calendula represents the pure impulse to create, vitality, and creativity needed to step into a new journey.” (p. 17). I mean… could it get any more direct?

The Third Card – Lemon Balm

Lemon Balm – Nurture – Melissa officinalis. Upright it is linked to the earth mother, balance and nurture – all things I hope for my future as I connect to my feminine power. This card, meaning to represent my future was also incredibly appropriate. Lemon balm is used to stop bleeding, and what will I do when I get pregnant? Stop bleeding – at least for a while. It also is used as relief from stress, depressive moods and anxiety, all things that can be common when pregnant. Again, this herb is spot on. It is connected with “… our relationships to mother, the nurturance (or lack thereof) within family relationships, and our ultimate connection to Mother Earth.” (p. 149). It goes on to explain how we need to be nurtured and how we nurture others. The guidance is to connect to the power of nurture.

Boom! Mic drop!

Like seriously?

Past: Treating menstruation, connecting with my creativity.
Present: Bleeding, new beginnings.
Future: Nurture and connection to my feminine power.

The Yoni Steaming Experience

I sit on the steaming box and Leilani leaves the room, she has funky tribal music on, which is not necessarily soft, but also entirely non-offensive. She suggests I do some deep grounding breaths and just connect with my womb.

I decide to do a few breathwork style breaths, these are deep and have no time between them putting you into almost a state of hyperventilation. It triggers your sympathetic nervous system which stores a lot of your trauma, and using this breath (with guidance) can help you access and get back into that state so you can work through it safely. I wouldn’t put myself into that position without support, but I felt really led to activating that part of me. I felt it could be really helpful to connect more to my womb.

One, breath, two… deeper, faster, three, little light headed, four.

I am in a deep trance state, like INSTANTLY! I know that Calendula can be powerful, and help you with whatever your intentions are, the booklet even said to be careful of using it in ceremonies, but I wasn’t excepting four breaths into this level of inner connection.

I decide to go with it. I am not so far in I have no power to get out, I can connect to the room. I know I am safe, but I am also so deep inside my body, in this other realm that the world melts away from me. 

I feel wicked. Like a witch. Like an angry powerful wicked witch. I want to hiss like I have the power of a snake, I do so softly (I don’t know where Leilani is but I don’t want her to worry – having no idea I am deep in a trance like state).

I look around, eyes closed but squinting with judgement, seething loathing, cruelty, and deep incredible power. The kind of power that I don’t think people can have in this lifetime, because it is absolute. It is a way of being, it is who I am, not just what I do, I am power, I am absolute power. I feel no conscious, no love, no compassion, just power.

I allow these feelings to seep into me, become me. There is part of my mind which is a little concerned, why am I so angry, what does this power mean, what am I experiencing this for, surely my womb isn’t this angry? But these thoughts float like a distant memory, or half dream you can’t quite remember as you wake up. I sit within the space of this powerful witch, I let her express her hatred, her loathing, her disdain.

I could have easily spent an incalculable amount of time in this space, but I left part of who I was tethered to time and space to ensure I didn’t get lost. That part of me that had the internal clock now began to chime. I assume it has been about ten minutes so I pull myself back into the room. Leilani rejoins me soon after.

Before we move into the fertility massage, I tell her about my wild experience. She explains how she thinks from what I said about where I felt my cycle was at the time, that I would be on my period if not for the Mirena. Your period is the stage associated with the Crown – the old woman of wisdom, and maybe that was something I was tapping into. Something interesting to reflect upon.

The Fertility Massage

I headed into the fertility massage, expecting it to be deep and present and transformative as was my yoni steaming, but it wasn’t. We just chatted. I was very much in my mind except for a few painful spots.

Then she wrapped me up with this technique called rebozo (used by traditional midwives in Mexico) and I sunk deep into my body. This wrapping represents a cocoon. It is often used to signify a woman’s rebirth by collecting her energy in to herself. Many women disperse their energy out into the world so often, caring and nurturing for those around them, that they are scattered and have lost their centre. After child birth, this energy is especially dispersed and this practice is great directly after having a child to bring you back into your own body, you own self. Despite not feeling overly centred during the massage, this wrapping brought me straight back into my body like a thump.

After ten minutes or so, Leilani unwrapped me and brought me back into the world. I felt solid. I felt powerful still, but not angry, I even felt a bit energised – not the kind where you want to socialise, but the kind where you feel strong and capable.

Changes Within Myself

What I found really interesting after the yoni steam and fertility massage was that the week or two after, I had rather big fights with the two people I am closest to, my mum and my husband. It is unusual for me to fight with either of them, the people who are my support system and my best friends. To be hurt so much from them both in such a short period of time seemed rather interesting. I wondered if it had anything to do with that witch that came out during my steaming session, maybe she was really tired of being suppressed and now I had allowed her to express herself she was fiercer in standing up for her boundaries and expectations.

I was a bit disappointed that the fertility massage didn’t put me back into my creativity more. Life had been too intense, I required all that space for problem solving, errands, and Christmas plans. I found I had very little space left for the kind of creativity that really set my heart on fire.

I am still positive the fertility massage did shift things for me though, and my experience with the yoni steaming was incredible. But I hadn’t seen it impact my life yet in the way I had expected. I was hoping the fertility massage would have really generated greater connection to my femininity, to my creativity, to wanting to spend more time alone with myself, reflecting, nurturing myself.

What happened during the fertility massage and yoni steam was obviously so much more important though. That witch which so desperately needed to come out had obviously impacted my sense of strength, power and with it my boundaries, and when that shifted inside me, of course the people in my life noticed. Even though I hadn’t changed the way I behaved, I think my energy after my fertility massage had shifted and that change caused waves.

I am glad this fertility massage was part of my journey, I trust my body to provide the experiences it needs me to feel, or have, to overcome all the abuse I have put it through.

If you are looking to step deeper into your true self – I strongly recommend a fertility massage and I think the yoni steaming can be an incredible experience if you are ready and open for it. Don’t worry though, you will not get more than you are prepared for or what you ask for.

For me, this fertility massage was just that. A way to connect to my womb, my intentions of having a child and to release anything that might be holding me back. Whatever your intentions are specifically, I don’t think you can go wrong.

For more on this experience, head over to my YouTube and check out the video where Leilani and I discuss my fears and you can see the fertility massage experience in depth.

Have a read of what happened next on my journey when I tried to get my Mirena out here.