Autistic meltdowns in adults don’t just come out of nowhere. They build — quietly, steadily — until something breaks.

If you’ve ever pushed yourself too hard, held it all together for too long, and then crumbled — I hope this article helps you understand what’s happening inside you. And maybe, reminds you how incredible you actually are.

We should all be having meltdowns. They are actually a really human thing to do. We spend so much of our lives holding in our emotions; no wonder we are sick and unhappy as a society.

Autistic meltdowns in adults are just the expression of emotions through the body, which is a really positive experience for us as humans.

Autistic Meltdowns in Adults aren’t Just an Autistic Thing

All humans are emotional creatures, and we don’t always deal with our emotions rationally. Autistic meltdowns in adults are actually quite common, but aren’t just related to autistic people. People melt down all the time.

Why else would the crux of so many movies involve the strong man willing to endure all forms of torture only to crumble when an innocent’s life is on the line? Why else would there be theft (greed), murder (anger), and sexual assault (lust)? Why would a woman put herself through the trauma of childbirth for a baby (love), or the 50% risk rate in marriage (hope)?

Humans, despite all our incredible feats – are emotional dumb asses!

There’s nothing wrong, special, or fundamentally different about autistic people. We may show our emotions differently, but those emotions aren’t unusual — in fact, many people feel the same way inside. The difference is, we’re often less pressured to hide what we feel or to behave in ways that go against who we are.

Neurotypical People’s Emotional Responses

I genuinely don’t understand neurotypical people’s processes.

I admire their ability to collapse a 50-step process into five. To them, life just seems simpler. ‘It’s just going to the shops,’ they say — like it’s nothing.

But what I really don’t get is their connection to emotions. It’s so… sterile? And worse, they lie – like all the time!

Dishonesty in the Neurotypical World

I can’t do it. I just can’t form my words around the social cues of the likes of:

‘How are you?’ ‘Good, thanks; How are you?’.

NO ONE MEANS IT! Augh.

No wonder we need an ‘R U OK’ Day. It’s because this neurotypical world has entirely removed all meaning from asking how someone is, like every time you bloody pass someone in the hall!

Autistic Inability to Lie

I probably could lie if I really tried. I could follow the social constructs that the neurotypical world has put in place, but the practice feels so foreign now, I doubt I’d do it well.

I overshare, I overexplain, and I’m over honest.

None of these are things to feel ashamed of, though, I am proud to be like this. And if people in my life don’t appreciate it, they don’t need to be in my life. I would much prefer to surround myself with other people who are as they are, say what they mean, and do what they say.

The Emotional Labour of Autistic Masking

I get the impression that some autistic people fear unmasking because they’ve spent so long trying to be ‘likeable.’ But in reality, they’ve just been managing other people’s comfort.

Masking isn’t just about regulating ourselves — it’s about constantly monitoring our natural responses and co-regulating everyone around us. No wonder we burn out so fast.

How Unmasking Helped Me Connect More Authentically

I rarely mask now — I try to live as authentically and openly as I can.

Of course, I can’t show up to work having an autistic meltdown, but I do answer honestly. I do overshare. And do you know what? Most people in my office — or so I believe — actually like it. They enjoy my weekend stories, appreciate my humour, and seem to value my disregard for social norms. They like how chaotic, real, and unfiltered I am.

And I’ve noticed something: it gives them permission to do the same. To connect more. To be more real too.

I recently told a male colleague who was leaving for a new job that I would ‘miss looking at him’. I was such a stuttering mess, and fortunately not a HR nightmare because everyone could tell I just had a brain fart!

What I had meant to say was that I appreciated and respected how he always dressed so formally (which had been a discussion we’d had in the past). Instead, it came out as ‘I’ll miss looking at you”. 

The office still laughs about it. I brought them joy, and in some small way, they all know they can be exactly who they are and, at worst, will be laughed at (with kindness).

Autistic Meltdowns in Female Adults – Anger vs Sadness

This is all to say. I am unmasked and honest. I never take my emotions out on others, but I do let them out.

For years I never really experienced anger. I realised much later it was because I was brought up being inadvertently told that it was a ‘bad emotion’.

There are no such things as bad emotions. Only bad actions.

Everything I felt that was slightly angry, I would reframe (before even realising) and turn into sadness. I would internalise it and reshape it, and it would come out in tears. Because tears were okay, sadness was okay, rage was not.

Especially as a female, rage is bred out of us.

Little boys get angry and smash their toys. Adults say, ‘Aw, he’s frustrated.’

Little girls smash their Barbies, and they are met with ‘Oh, don’t do that, you’ll hurt her!’.

We are taught to look after everyone’s emotions to such a degree, we are programmed to even look after plastic Barbies’ feelings!

Being Honest with Our Feelings

At fourteen or fifteen, I was extremely depressed. I didn’t know I was depressed because my mum wanted me to come to that conclusion myself, and she didn’t want to label me with a diagnosis that would just concretise the experience in my mind.

But despite having a great life, filled with purpose and joy, supported by loving parents and good friends, I was extremely unhappy.

I realised that I had been faking happy for a long time. That I behaved almost manically, extra bubbly, extra fun, extra everything. Now I look back, this was likely an autistic mask I was developing, but I didn’t know that then.

It was also hormonal – as someone with endometriosis, I have realised I never had PMS, I had PMDD. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is a serious form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). It includes severe psychological effects that can be extremely debilitating.

For years, I met with psychologists, they even suspected I might have bipolar disorder because I would say that sometimes I was on top of the world, and other times I wanted to die. I have been on antidepressants and seen more shrinks than supermarkets. And it was all simply my hormones.

Unmasking

I remember as this teen, sitting in my bedroom after a long, long session of tears and hurt, deciding. I decided that from then on, I would just behave as I felt. I would be more honest with my feelings. I would never do so to the discomfort of others. I would hate to make other people uncomfortable because I was grumpy, for example.

I was taught there is never an excuse for bad behaviour.

But I did decide to show up, ‘unmasked’, before I knew what that even was.

If you love it, set it free – Unmasking is okay

I felt bland. Like I was this boring, dull creature. It took upwards of six months for me to find an equilibrium, after what I now see was autistic burnout. But you know what? My friends stayed my friends, my parents stayed loving, and my grades didn’t fail. The only difference was that I wasn’t so exhausted after a social exchange. I didn’t feel so manic and so low.

Autistic Meltdowns in Female Adults – Expressing Anger

I realised that despite being honest with my feelings, I still didn’t express anger appropriately. I began to notice this pattern in my early 20s and started to do something about it. This is long before I realised I was autistic.

I started expressing my rage. Never to anyone, and rarely around people, but I started to be honest with my feelings of anger.

One time, I kicked a cupboard door. Not hard, but just out of frustration. My mum was aghast! I felt good about it. It, of course, wasn’t a positive expression of rage to assault even inanimate objects. That’s the kind of thing that men have been doing for millennia (if they kept their hands off their wives) and frightening the women and children of the household. But men do it. Men continue to do it. Do you know why? Because it is natural.

I am not saying we should break or smash things, but it’s natural to move your body when you’re angry.

Physical Expression of Emotion is Natural

We have spent thousands of years evolving as human beings, most of that time in the outdoors, needing to kill our food, running, jumping, living physical lives. And then there was community. Banging on drums, dancing, even fighting – these were all culturally appropriate expressions of rage, of moving our bodies. Of expressing our emotions THROUGH our bodies.

Then in the last 100 years or so, we’ve boxed ourselves into insular families with nothing more than maybe the gym or yoga class for physical activities, and wonder why we store all our trauma. Emotion shouldn’t just be thought about and talked about, it needs to move. Through the body. Out of the body.

So, when I kicked this cupboard door. It felt good. It did break, not because I kicked it hard, but due to the unfortunate placement of the alfoil inside right next to the bracket – but it was right for me to do in that moment.

Autistic Meltdowns in Adults  – The Brain

We seem to have this negative association with the word ‘meltdown’. At the rate climate change is going, you wouldn’t think we actually care that much about things melting. But it is somehow seen as shameful.

From a young child throwing a hissy fit in a public space to an adult losing their temper.

The winner is always the most regulated.

It is true, though. If you can be calm and reasonable, and logical, you will generally get out of most situations unscathed. It is when your amygdala takes over and your prefrontal cortex gets overwritten by that fight, flight, fawn or freeze brain that emotions prevail.

Autistic meltdowns in adults aren’t all that bad. We often know how to manage ourselves in positive and practical ways. I mean, look at me, I had the metacognition at fourteen to notice something was wrong and shift it.

What are Autistic Meltdowns in Adults?  

For me, it is where everything just becomes too much, and I do what is perfectly natural to do, what is perfectly human. Express my emotions through my body.

The things that trigger my autistic meltdowns might be what others consider silly.

They can be because of changed plans, unmet expectations, too much logistical planning, executive dysfunction paralysis and a range of other situations. They can also be sensory.

Once I wanted to meet my cousin for dinner, but she had chosen an outdoor restaurant that served almost exclusively burgers (that I don’t eat), in the middle of winter, on a day when I decided I couldn’t stand wearing pants for sensory reasons.

I was in full sensory overload before I even got dressed.

After trying on about seven different outfits.

I collapsed on the bed naked, almost hyperventilating, crying to my fiancé how I either couldn’t go or I would have to go naked because I just couldn’t get dressed.

I was distraught by all the dominoes that I could foresee.

Autistic Minds are Context Driven – We See the Dominos

I could tell that whatever I wore would either be too touchy (pants or stockings), but the alternative was being cold (temperature dysregulation). I knew that my only food option at this restaurant was chips (because I wouldn’t eat anything else), and the chips were overpriced (sense of justice) and over-greasy (texture taster). I also knew that the chairs were all benches (uncomfortable to sit on), and we would be there for a good while, as I hadn’t seen my cousin in ages. The music was always too loud at this place (distracted, all noises are perceived at 100 regardless of volume), and I had only found out we were going an hour prior (not enough time to adjust, align and manage expectations).

So, I wasn’t crying because I couldn’t decide on what to wear. I was crying because I could see how all of these things were going to work together to create an extremely uncomfortable situation for me and how I had no power to manage or adjust it.

Autistic Meltdowns in Adults – Management

There’s plenty that can be done to manage these autistic meltdowns.

For me:

• Structure
• Processing time
• Avoiding sensory overstimulation
• Talking through my thinking
• Writing lists
• Asking opinions

There are a myriad of things we can do to reduce the impact of our very detail-oriented minds.

The thing that has helped me most, though?

Realising that my autistic meltdowns are natural. They are simply my body’s way of processing my emotions through my body. As we all should be.

We Should All Be Having Meltdowns

Provided it is in a safe and supportive environment. Provided that we do not impact others or hurt ourselves. I think that the reason there are more autistic meltdowns in adults than in others is because we are actually more connected to our emotions, we are honest, and we are not bound by the social constructs which in many cases cripples everyone.

Autistic meltdowns are often misunderstood as a lack of control, but they can also be part of how we navigate emotional regulation in autism.

It is okay to feel every emotion.

It is okay to express all emotions.

It is okay to grunt when frustrated.

It is okay to scream when angry.

It is okay to cry when sad.

It is okay to laugh uncontrollably when happy.

It is okay to move your body to get the emotions out and through.

It is okay to have autistic meltdowns.

Practicing Moving my Emotions Through my Body Often

I think that unmasking really does help reduce the number of autistic meltdowns adults experience. I am more honest with my needs.

I call my husband over to talk through something that, even when I only need a sounding board.

I think of the thing I am frustrated with before I do my Irish Dancing, and as I smash my feet hard into the floor, I release all that anger.

I jump up and down like a toddler when I burn something.

I sook when I break something.

I cry when I am overwhelmed and cuddle someone safe.

I listen to music in my car on max volume when I am angry or happy.

I ride my motorbike and engulf myself in the feeling of freedom when I feel stuck.

I sigh like a horse (lip trills) when I’m anxious.

Autistic Meltdowns in Adults are Brilliant

Your autistic meltdowns aren’t a failure. They are an expression of emotion through your body.

There are absolutely things you can do to avoid catastrophic autistic meltdowns that totally exhaust you.

There are absolutely things you can do to reduce the frequency of big autistic meltdowns.

But most importantly, they are absolutely part of being human. Not just being autistic, but of actually being human.

So, keep doing them.

A little movement now is better than an explosion later.

The more you move your emotions through your body, the faster you acclimate those emotions, and the less they build up to the point of breaking.

This practice I have found helps with anxiety, depression, hormones, everything!

You are so capable, so competent, so incredible. You are simply managing your emotions through your body. Which is what we humans have always been built to do!

Autistic meltdowns aren’t failures — they’re human.

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