For many autistic people, being authentically autistic isn’t a choice – we naturally find it challenging to be, or appear, anything other than who we are.
Yet we have been taught to conceal much of who we are.
– Hide our feelings
– Conform to accepted behaviour
– Dress appropriately
– And how condescending is it when people say, “Think before you speak”? With a laugh, like you intended to make a fool of yourself?
They say the pen is mightier than the sword. Is that why people fear the tongue — because it is an untrained pen?
But how on earth are we meant to grow up feeling accepted when we have to micro-analyse everything we say before it comes out of our mouth?
Isn’t verbal communication simply internal thoughts expressed? Apparently not.
As we know, many autistic people learn to mask. We mask who we are and how we feel in order to fit in.
Well, here is why we should be masking less, thinking less about others’ perceptions of us, and just living our authentically autistic lives.
The Trap of Validation: Stop Living for the Algorithm
We live in a world of external validation. We seek pleasure in what is outside of us, not what is within us.
– Social media measures our worth in hearts ❤️
– Friends become props in our Instagram stories
– Food becomes a comfort, not a need
– Clothing shows our status, not our feelings
When we do something because of others, we are seeking validation; when we do things because of ourselves, we are being authentic.
– How often have you asked your friend what she is wearing so you can match the vibe and fit in?
– How often have you adjusted your point of view a little so that it isn’t in opposition to those around you?
– How often have you done things that really aren’t who you are because of what other people want?
Too often, no doubt.
It is human nature to seek validation — we need to be liked to survive. The tribe of hunters and gatherers certainly wouldn’t keep us around if we were awful to be around. However, society has gone so many steps further than this now. To feel safe, we often feel like we need to be validated.
Labels and Boxes
As humans, we like to categorise people. It makes it easier for us to sort and understand each other without using too much of our brain space.
It’s much easier to remember the girl you just met as “football girl” than a complex human. This is part of why we create labels to identify parts of who we are:
Wife, mother, crafty, homemaker, boss – these all work to identify us.
Rarely do they do this effectively, and more often than not, I find it puts us in boxes that limit and restrict our being. Yet we still crave them. We desire these labels so we can be understood.
I was gaslit by doctors for years and years until I was diagnosed with endometriosis. That diagnosis made me feel so validated, so accepted – like this label defined my experience and that people would take me more seriously. It streamlined testing when I presented to the Emergency Department, but it didn’t actually change my experience. It was just another way of putting myself in a box so that OTHERS could categorise me more easily.
Some of us feel like we need labels to validate us, and I can completely empathise. But I also feel we should be simply accepted for who we are, regardless of how ‘valid’ that person is.
Living Without the Label
I have been Irish dancing with the same group of women for over three years now.
They all think I’m super weird, and by now, they’ve probably worked out I’m autistic. But I never wanted to announce it like I was coming out. I just wanted to be accepted as my weird, wonderful self.
They understand that I am different. The teacher adjusts her practices with me, but no one ever mentions my autism, because I think they simply know I’m different and act accordingly. Sometimes I find it really hard to be in that space with them because I find them all so different to how I am.
But then I remember: they laugh (albeit at me — but that’s totally fine, I laugh at myself too), they include me, and they genuinely care.
I am not as experienced as the girls I dance with, so I often make a fool of myself.
These people aren’t going to be someone I call at 2 am to collect me from the airport. They aren’t my besties. They are lovely, kind and genuine people who accept me being my most authentically autistic self, even if that is a bit strange sometimes.
Friendship Filters: How Being Authentically Autistic Attracts the Right People
I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have people around me with whom I could be unmasked! I would be exhausted.
There are already so many spaces where we have to monitor our facial expression, act professional… gosh, moving through doors with other people is a nightmare!
Do I go first, did you get to the door first, if I go for the handle, I’ll reach across, if you do, I’ll look entitled…
I can’t navigate opening a door; if I had to check myself with my friends, I’d combust.
The reason I have these weird and wonderful people in my life, though, is because I am authentically autistic. That isn’t to say I go around stimming and avoiding eye contact.
I just don’t buy into the societal rules I don’t agree with.
Just Ask — It’s Not Weird, It’s Honest
Everyone says it was always easier to make friends as a kid than it is as an adult. Remember when you were a kid? Remember asking, or being asked, “Do you want to be friends?”
Why did we stop that?
The fact we stopped asking that simple question is half the reason it got harder. We are all running around wondering if the other person likes us, wants to like us, and if we are appropriately showing we like them back.
So now, I just ask.
I literally said to a group of women whom I connected with recently, “Do you want to be friends?”
They all laughed because, by all accounts, it was ridiculous! But they were all relieved, they were all happy, and I actually got their details.
How often have you connected with someone and been too afraid to ask for their details?
– Firstly, it is unlikely they will say no because it will be embarrassing for them, and people try to avoid embarrassment.
– Secondly, if they don’t, you’ll soon find out.
So overall, it’s just much easier to simply ask.
Connection Over Curation
There is absolutely no point in having friends who don’t love your weirdness.
I have goth friends, hippy friends, and corporate friends, and they all like me because I never try to be anything other than who I am.
We connect on what we share, on the experiences we like to have together, and we admire or appreciate our differences.
If I weren’t being my full self, who knows what I could end up doing? I could end up going to various music festivals every weekend with a group of musos. I like Spotify, and I will gladly go to a Taylor Swift concert, but that’s about as far as my music appreciation goes.
Every part of us is us. I can present more or less spiritually, but I am spiritual. The same goes for being autistic. I am autistic, so whether I present it or not, it doesn’t stop me from being it. So I might as well be authentically autistic and let people get used to it.
Masking Is Exhausting: Free Up Your Brain Space
Being authentically autistic allows so much more space in your brain! The less you worry about all the things you do to ‘fit in’, the easier life becomes.
I am not saying do away with all masking, because sometimes it is necessary to communicate effectively. It would be nice if we didn’t have to monitor our facial expressions and tone of voice as much, but it can be appropriate.
Being aware of how you interact with others isn’t the same as masking.
I ask my husband to check his tone with me because I might interpret it to be offensive. It wouldn’t be appropriate to go around entirely unfiltered and inadvertently be snappy or rude. Obviously, there are levels to this. I am, of course, highly unmasked around my husband and do come across rude sometimes, but he accepts that it is never my intention, because he knows me. Just as I accept that just because he is speaking loudly doesn’t necessarily mean he is frustrated.
We all need to cut each other a bit of slack in regards to communication, because it takes a lot of work for all people to communicate effectively.
Your Wardrobe Can Speak For You
I choose to unmask with more of the fun things, though. The way I dress will generally tell you how I am feeling:
– Comfortable clothes – overstimulated
– The same outfit I’ve worn 1000x – overwhelmed and struggling with decisions
– A pretty frilly dress – fun and happy
– Corporate – serious and professional
– A ball gown – feeling the best of myself
For more on refining your neurodivergent wardrobes, click here.
I don’t let my environment dictate to me what is appropriate — I use it to inform my practice, but not dominate it. I will often wear things to match my environment — Mickey Mouse pinafore at a children’s party, or a frilly dress at Christmas — but I wear them for me, not for others.
I mean, I have never had the desire to wear a ball gown to the grocery store, but if I did, I probably would. I have, however, desired to wear it to the theatre, so I did. I was way overdressed, but you know what? I felt like myself. I felt like I was honouring that part of me that thinks things like the theatre should still be met with a level of respect and awe, and dressing up for it is one way I do that.
Honest Interactions Create Real Connection
The other thing is, I have done away with societal rules I don’t agree with. I despise the fact that when we meet each other, the first thing we do is lie.
“Hi, how are you?”
“Good, thanks. How are you?”
Why have we collectively decided it is okay to start a relationship with a lie? To connect with others — however briefly — with lies? I despise it when someone asks me this in passing because I run out of time to answer. Why don’t we all just say what we are thinking?
“Hi, I don’t really care how you are.”
“I’m feeling pretty anxious today; are you dealing with life?”
So, I don’t do it.
When people ask me how I am, I answer. Briefly, but I answer.
Whether that be:
– “Oh, I’m feeling really overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to achieve today.”
– Or “I am feeling very excited about today — Thursdays are my favourite day of the work-week.”
It doesn’t matter — I am honest. And that honesty has broken down so many barriers. I feel great about it.
– First up, they realise that I am different. Good — now I don’t have to over-explain myself.
– Next, they are surprised, and often taken aback, but in a mostly good way.
– Then, it creates a genuine interaction, which is what more people need nowadays.
– Finally, by being unapologetically authentically autistic, I have given them an answer that is real, and inadvertently permitted them to do the same.
Maybe what I say that day is just the thing they needed to express whatever it is that is going on for them.
Being Authentically Autistic Allows Others to Be Themselves
The more we are ourselves, the more we permit others to be the same. When we don’t seek validation from others, but instead just accept ourselves, and live with such surety that our very being screams authenticity, we inspire other people to be more of their full selves.
When we are authentically autistic, we don’t attract the kind of friends you have to work for, message, and appease. We find weird and wonderful people who honour and appreciate difference, and who challenge and shape our growth as a person.
When you stop masking so often, the drudgery of life becomes simpler. You just focus on what makes you happy and focus a lot less on how your behaviour will impact others. This isn’t selfish — this is just living honestly.
Being authentically autistic is to simply be yourself, all of yourself. The fun, the loving, the smart and the challenged – all together, all at once.
You are a spark of light and love — shine!
Try showing up as your real self today, just once, and see what happens.
If you want to see what this looks like in my life, head over to my YouTube and see my ‘Neurodiverse and Navigating Life’ playlist.